Losing Hope: A Novel

Chapter Twenty-eight-and-a-half

Les,

It’s Thursday night. I haven’t spoken to her since Monday. I can’t even look at her because it hurts so much. I still don’t know what to do and the longer I just let this go on, the more of an a*shole it makes me look. But every time I work up the nerve to talk to her I have no idea what I’d even say. I told her I’d always be honest with her and this is just something I can’t be honest with her about.

I’ve been trying to figure out why Karen would do something like this, but there isn’t a single valid excuse in the whole world that could justify someone taking a child. I’ve even thought about the chance that maybe Hope’s dad didn’t really want her, so he just gave her away. But I know that’s not true because he did everything he could to find her for months.

I just can’t figure it out. I don’t even know if I need to. Until I barged into her life two weeks ago, she was happy. If I don’t walk away now, it’ll ruin all that.

Ironic, isn’t it? I walked away from her thirteen years ago and ruined her life. Now if I decide not to walk away from her, I’ll ruin her life again.

Just goes to show that everything I do is hopeless. F*cking hopeless.

H
    

Chapter Twenty-nine

“Yo, flipdick. We on for tonight?” Daniel says, walking up to my locker.

The last thing I feel like doing tonight is going out. I know Daniel would probably get my mind off her with all the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth, but I don’t really want to get my mind off her. I haven’t spoken to her since Monday and the only thing that sounds appealing besides being with her is wallowing alone in self-pity.

“Maybe tomorrow. I don’t really feel like doing anything tonight.”

Daniel leans his elbow into the locker and he lowers his head, leaning toward me. “You’re really being a mangina,” he says. “You didn’t even date the chick. Get the f*ck over it and . . .” Daniel glances over my shoulder without finishing the sentence. “What the hell is your problem, powder puff?” He’s speaking to someone now standing behind me. The way he says it can only mean it’s Grayson. Fearing I’m about to get sucker-punched from behind, I spin around.

It’s not Grayson.

Breckin is facing me and he doesn’t look very pleased about it.

“Hey,” I say.

“I need to talk to you,” he says. I know he wants to talk about Sky and I really don’t want to talk about Sky. Not to Breckin, not to Daniel, not even to Sky. No one understands anything about anything and frankly, it’s nobody’s business.

“Sorry, Breckin. I’m not really in the mood to talk about her.”

Breckin takes a quick step forward and I take a quick step back because I wasn’t expecting him to rush me like he just did. My back is against the locker and Daniel is laughing. Probably because Breckin is a good fifty pounds lighter than I am and several inches shorter and he’s probably wondering why the hell I haven’t laid Breckin on his ass yet. But that doesn’t stop Breckin from moving in even closer and shoving his finger hard against my chest.

“I don’t really give a shit what kind of mood you’re in, because I’m in a pretty shitty mood myself, Holder. You aren’t the one having to pick up all the shattered pieces of Sky this week. I don’t know what the hell happened in the cafeteria Monday, but it was enough to show me that I don’t like you. I don’t like you one goddamn bit and I have no idea what Sky sees in you . . . because what you did to her? How you led her on for days and then just walked away like she was a waste of your time?” Breckin shakes his head, still fuming. He drops his eyes down to my arm. Down to the tattoo. “I feel sorry for you,” he sighs. He inhales a calming breath and slowly looks back up at me. “I feel sorry for you, because people like her don’t come along more than once. She deserves someone who realizes that. Someone who appreciates her. Someone who would never just . . .” he shakes his head, looking at me disappointedly. “Someone who would never crush her hope and then just walk away.”

Breckin backs up a step when he’s finished and Daniel gives me the look. The look that indicates he’s ready to start one of his fights. Before I even have the chance to tell Daniel to refrain, he begins to lunge forward toward Breckin. I quickly step in between them and shove Daniel against the locker with my arm, keeping it pressed against his chest. “Don’t,” I say, holding Daniel back.

“Let him hit me,” Breckin says loudly from behind me. “Or better yet, why don’t you just do it, Holder? You proved to Sky on Monday what a badass you are. Have at it!”

I release Daniel and turn around to face Breckin. The last thing I want to do is hit him. Why would I hit him when everything he just said to me was the absolute truth? He’s pissed at me because of how I treated Sky. He’s pissed and he’s protecting her and I have no idea how to tell him how much it means to me to know she has him.

I turn around and open my locker, then grab my backpack and car keys. Daniel is watching me closely, wondering why I’m not kicking Breckin’s ass right now. I face Breckin again and he’s eyeing me with just as much confusion as Daniel. I begin to walk away, but pause when I’m shoulder to shoulder with Breckin. “I’m glad she has you, Breckin.”

He doesn’t respond. I pull my backpack onto my shoulder and walk away.
    

Chapter Twenty-nine-and-a-half

Les,

I haven’t spoken to her in two weeks. I’m still going to school, though, because I can’t imagine the thought of not being able to see her every day. But I just watch her from a distance. I hate that she seems sad now.

I was hoping that my actions in the cafeteria last Monday would have left her pissed off, if even a little bit. But when I decided it was better not to allow myself back into her life, I was hoping her anger would help her get over me faster. But she doesn’t seem angry. She just seems heartbroken and that crushes me.

I made a list over the weekend of the pros and cons of telling her the truth about who she is. I’ll share it with you so you’ll understand my decision better, because I know it doesn’t make sense.

Pros to telling Sky the truth:


* Her family deserves to know what happened to her and that she’s okay.

* She deserves to know what happened.


Cons to telling Sky the truth:


* The truth would ruin the life she has now.

* She never seemed happy to me when we were little, but she seems happy now. Forcing her back into a life she doesn’t even remember doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.

* If she found out I knew all along who she was, she would never forgive me for keeping it from her.

* I know she thinks her birthday is next week, but she still has months to go before she actually turns eighteen. If she finds out right now, the decision about what happens to her will be made for her by her father and the state. When she finds out the truth, I want her to be old enough to make her own decisions about what happens to her life.

As much as I don’t want to believe Karen did this, what if she did? If the truth came out, Karen would be punished. And that probably should be listed in pros, but I just don’t think her going to prison would in any way be a pro for Sky.

So you can see the cons won, which is why I’ve decided not to tell her the truth. Not yet, anyway. After I decided I wasn’t going to tell her what happened to her as a child, I also thought about whether it was a good idea to at least try and apologize for what happened at lunch that day. I thought that somehow I could still keep the secret until she’s out of high school and in the meantime, we could be together. I want to be with her again more than anything, but there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t be.

Pros to being with Sky


* I f*cking miss her. I miss her rude comments, her laughter, her smile, her scowl, her cookies, her brownies, her kiss. (Even though I never really had that one. I know I’d miss it if I did.)

* She wouldn’t be as heartbroken if I would just apologize. We could go back to whatever it was that we were doing and I could pretend she wasn’t Hope. It would be cruel, but at least she’d be happy.


Cons to being with Sky


* Being around her could trigger her memory. I’m not sure that I’m ready for her to remember me yet.

* Once she finds out the truth, she’ll hate me for deceiving her. At least if I’m not with her, she’ll be able to respect the fact that I didn’t lie to her while I was allowing her to fall in love with me.

* If I spend any time with her, I know I’ll slip up. I’ll call her Hope or I’ll say something about when we were kids or I’ll talk too much about you and that could spark a memory.

* How could I ever introduce her to Mom? I’m pretty sure with as much time as Hope spent at our house, Mom would immediately recognize her.

* I’ll do something to f*ck it all up again. That’s the only thing I seem to be consistent at in this life. F*cking things up for you and Hope.

* If I walk out of her life completely, she can go on living the contented life she’s been living for the past thirteen years.

* If I stay, I’ll inevitably have to tell her the truth. And no matter how much she probably needs to hear the truth; it’ll turn her world upside down. I can’t watch that, Les. I just can’t.


So there you have it in big, bold ink. I’m not telling her the truth and I’m not letting her forgive me. She’s better off without me. She’s better off keeping the past in the past and keeping me at a distance.

H
    

Chapter Thirty

I grab the sack from the floorboard and walk to the front door, then ring the doorbell. I don’t know if this is a good idea. In fact, I know it’s not a good idea. But for whatever reason I trust him to do this for me.

The front door opens and a woman, more than likely his mother, is standing in the doorway.

“Is Breckin here?” I ask her.

She starts at the top of my head, then slowly scrolls down my entire body, stopping at my shoes. It’s not the kind of scroll a guy gets from a woman who’s checking him out. It’s a scroll of disapproval. “Breckin isn’t expecting company,” she says coldly.

Okay. I didn’t anticipate this obstacle.

“It’s okay, Mom,” I hear Breckin say as he opens the door further. “He’s not here for my gay parts.”

Breckin’s mother scoffs, then rolls her eyes and walks away while I’m trying to hold back my laughter. Breckin is now standing in her place, scrolling over me disapprovingly just like she did. “What do you want?”

I shift my feet, feeling a little uncomfortable at how unwelcome I am at this house. “I want a couple of things,” I say. “I’m here to apologize, for one. But I’m also here to ask you for a favor.”

Breckin arches an eyebrow. “I told my mother you weren’t here for my gay parts, Holder. So go ahead and apologize, but I’m not doing you any favors.”

I laugh. I love that he can be so pissed, yet make fun of himself at the same time. That’s such a Les thing to do. “Can I come in?” I ask. I feel pretty damn awkward on the porch right now and I don’t really want to have this conversation standing in a doorway. Breckin steps back and opens the door farther.

“That better be an apology gift,” he says, indicating the sack in my hand. He doesn’t look back or invite me to follow him as he makes his way toward the hallway, so I shut the front door and glance around, then follow him. He opens the door to his bedroom and I walk in behind him. He points to a chair. “Sit there,” he says firmly. He walks to his bed and takes a seat on the edge of it, facing me. I slowly take a seat in the chair and he rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands in front of him, looking me straight in the eyes. “I take it you’ll be apologizing to Sky next? After you leave here? Because she’s the one you really need to be apologizing to.”

I set the sack down at my feet and lean back in the chair. “You’re really protective of her, aren’t you?”

Breckin shrugs indifferently. “Well, with all the a*sholes treating her like shit, someone has to watch out for her.”

I purse my lips into a tight line and nod, but don’t say anything right away. He stares at me for a while, more than likely attempting to figure out the motive behind my being here. I blow out a quick breath, then begin with what I came here to say.

“Listen, Breckin. I’m probably not going to make a whole lot of sense, but hear me out, okay?”

Breckin straightens up at the same time he rolls his eyes. “Please tell me you’re about to explain what the hell happened in that cafeteria. We’ve tried to analyze your behavior no less than a dozen times, but you don’t make any sense.”

I shake my head. “I can’t tell you what happened, Breckin. I can’t. All I can tell you is that Sky means more to me than you could ever comprehend. I screwed up and it’s too late to go back and make it right with her. I don’t want her forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. You and I both know she’s better off without me. But I needed to come here and apologize to you because I know just from watching you how much you care about her. It kills me that I hurt her but I know that my hurting her indirectly hurt you, too. So, I’m sorry.”

I keep my eyes trained on his. He tilts his head slightly and chews on his bottom lip while he studies me.

“Her birthday is next Saturday,” I say, picking up the sack. “I got her this and I want you to give it to her. I don’t want her to know it’s from me. Just tell her you got it for her. I know she’ll like it.” I take the e-reader out of the sack and toss it to him. He catches it, then looks down at it.

He stares at it for a few minutes, then flips it over and looks at the back of it. He tosses it on the bed beside him, then clasps his hands together again, staring down at the floor. I wait for him to speak because I’ve said everything I came here to say.

“Can I just say one thing?” he says, lifting his gaze.

I nod. I figured he’d have way more than just one thing to say after all that.

“I think what pissed me off the most is the fact that I liked her with you,” he says. “I liked seeing how happy she was that day. And even though it was just thirty minutes that I watched you with her at lunch before you went and flipped the f*ck out,” he says, waving his arm in the air, “it just seemed so right. You seemed right for her and she seemed right for you and . . . I don’t know, Holder. You just don’t make any sense. You didn’t make sense when you walked away from her that day and you sure aren’t making any sense right now. But I can tell you care about her. I just don’t understand you. I don’t understand you at all and it pisses me off because if there’s one thing in the world I’m good at, it’s understanding people.”

I wasn’t counting while he was talking, but I’m pretty sure that was more than just one thing. “Can you just trust that I really do care about her?” I say. “I want what’s best for her and although it kills me that I’m not what’s best for her, I want to see her happy.”

Breckin smiles, then reaches beside him and picks up the e-reader. “Well, I think once I give her this awesome present I spent my life savings on, she’ll forget all about Dean Holder. I’m pretty sure it’ll be all about sawdust and sunshine once she dives into the books I’m about to load on here.”

I smile, even though I have no idea what he means by sawdust and sunshine.
    

Chapter Thirty-and-a-half

Les,

Breckin is pretty cool. You would like him. I went to his house Friday night and gave him the gift I bought for Sky. We talked things out for a while and I don’t think he wants to kick my ass anymore. Not that he could have. But that’s what solidified my respect for him. The fact that he was so mad he wanted to fight me, even though he knew there wasn’t a chance in hell he would win.

I wasn’t sure how going over there would turn out, but I ended up staying until almost midnight. I’ve never really been into video games, but we played Modern Warfare and it was nice just letting my mind take a break for a while. Although I’m not sure how much of a break it took because Breckin made it a point to bring up how much I talked about Sky. He doesn’t understand why I won’t just apologize to her if I obviously like her as much as I do. Unfortunately, I can’t explain it to him, so he’ll never understand it. But he seems okay with that.

Neither of us thinks it’s a good idea to let Sky know we hung out. I don’t want her upset with Breckin, but now it feels like I’m somehow cheating on her by being friends with him. But I can assure you, Les. I wasn’t there for his gay parts.

H